Lets be honest, ‘Festy Kids‘ were once a relatively underground circle of heads, but ever since the EDM craze took over, the standard of going to a festival has become just that, standard. Here is a list of ten things that your everyday BASIC FESTY KID probably does at every festival.
Hula-Hooping is one of the biggest and most basic festival trends that has ever happened. What was once a common hobby of your average 5-6 year old is now a classic past time that reigns true at any and every festival. Whether you’re a scene queen, gypsy hippie, or just trying to find a reason to wiggle your hips and thrust your pelvis, you’ve probably got a Hula-Hoop, and it most likely glows in the dark. Very basic.
2. Wearing Hat Pins
We get it, you like to wear your Grassroots California hat, but unfortunately we cannot see what hat it is that you’re wearing because every inch of fabric is covered in pins. Whether your pin commemorates a festival, celebrates your favorite musical artist, wraps a very heady (and probably basic) crystal, or depicts a half-baked visual euphemism for taking drugs, the hat pin is the quintessential badge of the basic festy kid.
3. Slapping the bag
Why would someone drink a glass of wine when you could put it in a bag? And why would anyone ever walk around festival grounds without a giant bag of cheap wine?? But most importantly, why don’t you go up to every dirty and gross festy kid you see, proceed to ask them to slap your bag of deliciously warm red wine, and let them drink even though you can smell their disregard for basic personal hygiene? Before you know it, your bag is gone, and you’ve sipped down maybe about 10% of your wine while contracting 100% of the wookie flu. Slapping the bag, super basic.
4. Still Looking for Carl
Who is Carl? Where is he? Why is everyone still looking for him? And how do you think the dude that happens to be named Carl feels at every single festival? He’s probably super overwhelmed, and likely won’t be going back to that festival. Let’s put it into some very basic terms, everyone is looking for Carl even though nobody knows who the fuck he is. Festy kids probably get lost all the time, but looking for someone who obviously isn’t even there is a bit absurd. And played out. No one is ever going to find Carl. You howling his name won’t catapult him into existence. If you’re still looking for Carl, you’re probably a basic festy kid.
5. Ground Scores
What’s that? A bag of delicious drugs? A beer that some stranger already drank half of? Maybe a heady wire wrap? Just look down at that dirty dance floor that you were just raging on and there’s a gold mine of dropped goods. Not sure who decided it was publicly acceptable to scavenge the muddy grounds looking for trash, but there’s something about foraging through garbage that just feels wrong. Whatever is in that bag has been stomped to smithereens by thousands of festy feet, may as well just pick it up and eat it. But you know what they say, one man’s trash is another basic festy kid‘s ground score.
6. Hating on their Favorite Band/DJ’s set
“Did you catch that Tribe set??”
“Totally, but they played ‘Rent’ again, so I left..”
“Dude, Bassnectar was dropping the bass way too hard, and he only played like two of his old-school jams. Super weak.”
Festy kids love festivals, and they love seeing their favorite artists at these said festivals. But what do they love more than that? Hating. Apparently every single basic festy kid is also a professional music critic, and that last set wasn’t nearly as heady as the one at the last festival that you weren’t at. Hating on music, basic.
7. Not Showering
Oooooooh that smell. It’s all around, the pungent reek of basic festy kids. There are definitely showers somewhere on lot, but frankly it just feels so much more liberating to forget about cleaning your dirty human body. The superstition that there’s something about basking in the glory of your own foul body odor that brings one closer to the festival on an intimate level needs an amendment, and quick. You smell. The shower option is almost always there, but that’s just for the bro’s, and people who care about hygiene. (Ha!) If you’re a basic festy kid, you definitely don’t ever shower at festivals.
8. Wire Wrapping
Since wire wraps have completely taken over the festy music culture, every basic festy kid and his cousin wear wire wraps. What’s in that wrap you say? Oh you know, just some Lake Michigan sea glass wrapped with a stainless steel paper clip. Wire wraps are super hot right now, and every festival kid seems to wrap his own work. Though wire wrapping is truly an art, your sloppy attempts don’t make you an artist. Dear basic festykids, leave wire wraps to the pros.
Festy kids love acid. They eat it like candy, and then they eat some more. It’s like when Popeye eats his spinach and he turns into a strong powerful sailor-man. Festy kids just need a tab or four and they’re good to go all night, and maybe longer. Once they start eating “L” they keep going all weekend, and the party never stops; it’s a glorious hallucinogenic binge that generally results in some mind-blowing epiphanies, like “woah, those lights were seriously next level,” and “I think I just reached my spiritual Nirvana.” But really, are you still realizing new things? Either way, your brain cells won’t send you any Thank You notes. Eating acid is just about as basic as it gets.
Sometimes its fun to poke at the scene we’re surrounded in. Don’t tell us you didn’t laugh, just a little bit. 🙂
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